Valid bar

There's parts of myself I'm not proud of: my "Insane Clown Posse" years, tabletop RPG addiction, how much I liked the "Mamma Mia!" movie. But one of my most shameful sides is my desperate need for validation. You know. Like, instead of making a private grief journal, I made a blog. That kinda thing.

The thing is, with being a widower and all, I've lost as she said herself, my 'number one fan.' She gave me just about all the validation I needed, which is a lot. Because my validation needs to come from an outside source, you see. I can't validate myself. It's not like, I'm an authority on myself or anything. I'm just me, what the hell do I know?

I know, I've always known, that I will learn lessons from losing my wife. I have to. It's a learning experience. But I hate it, because now I have to learn to find validation from within. I know it's one of them there lessons to learn. I've done some things since my wife died that to me, are clearly cries for validation, and it gives me a certain measure of shame to be that way. The shame is also something I could learn to do without, but there you go. I'm working toward writing a novel that I hope becomes a best-seller. It's a healthy outlet for emotion and a way to honor my wife, but it's also a cry for validation. My wife hated cheerleaders. But for me, she was the best cheerleader ever. Maybe I can release some of my need for validation in knowing my wife would validated it if she could. Because that is true. I just need the message to come from the voice in my head that's hers, not the voice in my head that's mine.