Single traumatized male seeks emotional-lightning-rod female

"Extreme discount: damaged goods!

Hi, I'm a man in my late twenties, and life is pretty well a shitnado! I've been married once before, and I'm still totally in love with her, but don't worry about me cheating, because she's dead! But I'm looking for that special someone who wants to play second fiddle to the love of my life! And I've only ever been intimate with one person, so you'll have that to deal with! My redeeming qualities are my empathy with grief and morbid humor. Message me if you're an emotional masochist!"

I find myself doing this, composing the most dreadful online dating profiles in my mind. I guess I'm not really ready to start dating again, huh? Don't get me wrong, I'm soul-crushingly lonely. But I'm not going to run out and look for wife number two until I'm strong enough to carry my own baggage, otherwise I'll just end up dropping my bags at some poor girl's feet and saying "you like rainy days and Mt. Dew, too? Help me carry these."

No, I have a long way to go before I ever put together a serious dating profile. But I can't stop my head from dictating these gloomy snippets that are so depressing it's almost funny. The bit at the top is just a small sample, I could go on for pages in the same fashion. You know, I was really looking forward to never having to date again. It'll be fun explaining my deal on all kinds of first dates to women just looking for something stable. I'm more of a 'fixer-upper,' and not the kind who just needs a job and shave (although I could probably use both).