Pissed at pests

I just saw a three-inch-long house centipede on the stove. Are you laughing yet? Don't get ahead of me. I fucking hate bugs. Punch line.

The reason I'm telling you is because I have nobody to tell. I'm a 27-year-old dude, nobody cares about me screaming "oh fuckin' shit!" by myself in the kitchen. But my wife would've cared. She would've hugged me and not judged me at all. I want to make enough money one day that I can hire someone to build me a bug-proof house, with a written guarantee. Fuck you, bugs, ya exoskeletal mothafuckas! And fuck fate for taking my security blanket away.

My wife didn't prevent bad stuff from happening to me, but she made it easier to tolerate. Yesterday in the shower I saw my first carpenter ant of the season, there at my most vulnerable. And the day before that, I found a baby spider in my lap! I'm the kind of person where I really don't think a hatchet or a sledgehammer would be overkill as a mosquito-swatter.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'm so fucking tired of bugs. This is why I stopped camping. Y'all creepy-crawlies can have the whole outdoors. Fuckin' stay there.