My feelings about your feelings about my feelings

Greeting cards are great at telling people how we feel. We're not all poets, but Hallmark hires them for our use. For people with folks like me in their lives, there's a whole section of cards called 'Sympathy' for you to tell me how you feel about my grieving-ass self.

Unfortunately for the well-meaning sympathy-card buyers, I don't really care how you feel. That may sound callous, but I'm currently burdened with more of my own feelings than I care to carry. Don't expect that telling me your feelings will change mine.

Compare this concept of sympathy to empathy, for which there is no rack in Hallmark stores. Empathy is how I feel reflected in you. Now I'm interested. Let me tell you how I feel, and instead of worrying about how my feelings make you feel, just focus on understanding mine. If you can put yourself in my point-of-view, then you'll be helping me, much more than you may realize (although if you're empathizing, you may realize it perfectly). But empathizing takes work on your part, whereas sympathy just happens to you. You don't owe me empathy. But sympathy is not help, not matter how much you want me to feel helped.

My grief feels absolutely monstrous. It's inhuman, not of this world. But if you can understand my feelings, it brings me back down to Earth. If you can empathize with me, you can help me humanize my fiendish feelings. Your sympathy helps me no more than does your anger. Because I can't care how you feel right now. And your sympathy for me is really just about you, if you think about it (or if you google the difference between sympathy and empathy like I did). Even if, in your sympathy, you just wish I could feel better, guess what: I wish I could feel better, too. But you'd know that already if you were empathizing.

So save yourself 4.99 + tax on a "My Deepest Sympathies" card, and instead, spend some time with me and ask me how I feel. You'll be helping me infinitely more. Unless you don't or can't care about how I truly feel. In which case, feel free to spend your money on the card I'm gonna throw away after you leave. At least you'll feel better, even if I don't.