The Courage Paradox

Consider the following: inside, I feel broken, toxic, afflicted and yucky. I don't feel strong or brave. But, if tell people that I feel broken and toxic, they call me strong and brave. What's up with that? Am I broken or brave? Healthy or helter-skelter?

It's close to the point where I think I could literally say "I'm feeling the opposite of brave right now" and people would say "that's so brave of you!" ...Uhh...is this one of Gollum's riddles?

Guess what? I feel like, you know, there's some kind of weird, supernatural disease or ethereal poison that I carry, that didn't exist in me six months ago, which could one day harm myself or others. That's how I feel in my insidey-parts.  Am I brave now?

Can I be both?

Apparently so, based on the titles people have bestowed unto this simple cynic. What do you think? Does sharing creepy feelings indicate valor? Does acknowledging weakness convey a strength of a different sort? Either way, I don't know how to use it. Being called strong is warm for a few moments, but grief has drilled into me permanently, drilled into me a...gloryhole. (Best metaphor ever)

I don't know what I should feel when people call me courageous. There are options. I can squash down their well-intentioned sentiment with the crushing reality of piteous grief. I can lie and say, "Yeah, look at how strong I am, who needs a soul mate, beer me." I can waffle, and try to point out the truth while also trying to accept the compliment. I can also just ignore it. There's probably other stuff, too.

Maybe I really am doing the courage by whinging about my feels. Maybe I just can't accept strength as a quality I may possess in the wake of not being able to do a damn thing to keep my wife out from under a rock at a plot. Screw it both ways, I just don't get where I'm keeping this strength y'all keep talking about, cuz I could use some strength...!

Wait. Maybe the strength isn't something I possess until that moment. Maybe it's something I gain by virtue of it being reflected back at me based on how you feel in the sharing. Maybe, because I can share with you, and you feel it takes courage, that's where the courage comes from. Boy, children's books have really boiled down the semantics. Courage used to be so simple, right? Harry stands up to Malfoy, and Snape, and Voldemoohoohoo: clear-cut courage. I'm just trying to fathom how to take a compliment. Uggh. 

This is getting existential. I'm gonna go meditate on the metaphysical implications of courage. Beam me your thoughts through your third eye -- it's cool, my chakras get unlimited messaging.