Made with natural & artificial funners

Every. Single. Time.

When I try to have fun, try to get out there and do something positive for myself to distract or engage myself, grief comes around poking me from behind. I think he's "happy to see me" if you catch my drift.  I can't have fun and it just be fun without grief getting all gropey immediately afterward.

It usually hits me about three minutes and twelve seconds after I leave from having fun. I will literally stop mid-thought and burst into tears while driving. I've only crashed seven times this month, so I'm doing better than I was. It's easy when I'm hanging out with people, because social situations seem to throw me into shock enough to keep from turning into a puddle. And I really do have fun, or something like it.

Fun changed when my wife died. It's chemical makeup has been mutated. Fun has a griefy aftertaste now. I'm not saying I don't want to have fun. If it weren't for the small bits of fun I have, (and writing down my frustrations [and breaking the fourth wall]) I would probably tip the dealer, cash in my chips and say goodnight. I just miss the pure, normal taste of fun back when my wife was here to have it with me.

It's like all my normal Mountain Dew has been irrevocably replaced with diet. I've still gotta drink this Mountain Dew. I can't just stop drinking Mountain Dew altogether. That's not living. But if all I have is diet, I've gotta learn to accept the bastardization of flavor until it becomes the new normal.

Yeacch. This is what fun tastes like now. A lot like it used to, but then you get the griefyness stuck to your tongue and water doesn't wash it away. But, to be honest, I'm just astonished that I can say I have fun at all. So cheers! *raises martini glass full of diet Mountain Dew* To the fun that is possible, no matter how wonky it tastes! May each swig be more tolerable than the last!