The silence has been filled

I don't do silence well. See, I have these stupid anxieties, and when it's silent, I start hearing the walls creaking and little ambient noises that could be dust settling, but also might be a tarantula or burglar or the ghosts of my high school self. It was nice to have a wife, someone with whom conversation never felt out of place. But now, I'm like some kind of sound junkie, desperate for a fix.

I like a lot of 'regular' music, but when she died, I got big into classical music to relax. Then Celtic music, and recently, the white noise of rain, and even more recentlier, music from Japanese anime. I was thinking today about starting to explore blues or blues-rock. Because I need to fill the silence, and every on of my silences needs a custom-tailored sound, apparently.

When I sat down to write this, I had to select some acoustical accompaniment, of course. I tried and turned off two things before deciding on a third. This is what grief has done to me. I'm so addled about the brain that I can't even pick my own sound! I decided on rain noise. I figure that in the next few months and years, I'll branch out even further. Perhaps I'll explore the sounds of badgers weaving wicker baskets, or trance remixes of Belizean folk songs, or pop music. Oh god. I hope I don't get so desperate for new sounds that I turn to pop.