This is only a test

...but it does count for 100% of your final grade.

I recently, uhh, overwhelmed myself with feels by sharing this blog on my facebook with peopole who know me. And after I shared, I just had to keep along with the responses, you know, because facebook.

But the truth is that the responses were overwhelmingly warm and accepting. I can't thank everybody enough for their positive sentiments and words of wisdom.

So I figured I'd put that acceptance to the test!

I'm not usually particularly explicit about the cause of my wife's death yet. For many people I've met who are also in mourning, the cause of death is part of the introduction.

"My mom died three years ago, cervical cancer."

"My best friend was killed by a drunk driver."

That sort of thing. So here's the test. My wife died from cirrhosis of the liver. Alcohol-related. Vodka, if you must know. Does anyone want to change the answer they already wrote down?

To be honest, I take a bit too much pride in my bluntness. I lived through it, so it doesn't make me squeamish. I can tell you things like: "we thought we were OK because we never drank anywhere near as much as her binge-alcoholic mom used to drink" or maybe "it happened so much faster what it says about cirrhosis on WebMD." But it doesn't change the fact that my wife is dead as direct result of her and I making a conscious decision to get drunk pretty much every night.

To be honest, I really don't think the reality behind her death will make anyone withdraw their support. I don't think any of my family or friends are that shallow. But if there is even one so-called well-wisher that would judge the drinking so harshly as to let it cloud their empathy, I want that one person to quietly excuse him- or herself from the classroom. I really do have faith in the quality of the company I keep, but I'm also in a period of my life marked by profound uncertainty. Thanks for listening, truly.

Just remember: this was only a test.

Note: I  will be grading you all on a "check, check-plus, check-minus" scale. Make sure to have your parents sign your report cards and bring them back to me by the end of the week

The best things are free, discounted or stolen

My wife and I spent about $700 dollars for our wedding. Jealous, fellas? Ladies? Although, FYI, the ceremony may have been slightly illegal, but the document is binding! We got married in a local park. I went down to the city's parks office to obtain permission for the ceremony, I tried to be cool about it. I went up to the counter and made my request. We had a particular area of the park in mind. The clerk asked me if I meant the conservatory. The conservatory is a building and probably where most couples want their wedding if they're choosing this park. We didn't want the conservatory. We wanted an area around an archway inscribed with the words "The Poet's Garden" cuz we were all deep and brooding at 20 and 21 years of age. That's right, I got married before I could buy alcohol. I knew what I wanted. But they didn't have a form all ready and a fee pre-determined for couples who wanted to use The Poet's Garden. So we left the office and as we drove away, we decided: fuck 'em! If they won't take our money, we're gonna squat there!

So we called a family friend who had access to a bunch of chairs and did a blitzkrieg wedding. We arrived on scene the day we wanted and set up the wedding ourselves with help from family. We did the Cosby strategy. We got in, did our thing and left before they could stop us!

I wonder what anyone would've done. Some strangers walked past on the trails through the park. If they said or did anything, it didn't affect us. Even if a cop had driven by, he wouldn't know offhand if we'd had permission or not. Even if the Chancellor of Parks & Recreation (or whatever the title is) had strolled past and he knew for a fact that no weddings were on their calendar for today, what would that person have done? Kicked us out in the middle of our vows? Written us a citation for our ninja-esque nuptials?

We had a family-friend marry us in a non-denominational ceremony. My family's Jewish, her family's half-Catholic and half-Protestant, there was no way to please everybody. The stated religion of our officiant friend was Paganism, too, which was fun for the religious kooks.

My wife walked out, not to the Mendelssohn wedding march or Brahms' 1st Symphony, but to the song "Love" from Disney's Robin Hood. She asked me if I minded if, instead of fancy high heels, she wore a pair of Converses under her dress and I said sure! Fantastic idea. Our colors were pale pink and silver.

Her real mother (a career alcoholic) decided to relapse that day instead of sharing the happiest moment of our lives with us. I don't have a joke for that, but I wanted everyone to know about it. At least her dad cheerfully brought the evil step-mother of folklore (his long-time girlfriend).

But we had a blast. We looked back on our shoestring budgeted ceremony with pride. Anything that went sour was somebody else's decisions, not ours. We kicked our wedding's ass and had all the stuff we wanted. We won! We never regretted our decision even for a day. Even if, technically, the ceremony may have been some kind of misdemeanor. What can I say? We were a couple of badass punk hopeless romantics.

Mia-isms - (Joygasm, Semicolon)

Mia was my wife. She had a unique way with words, truly my writing inspiration. From time to time, I may post Mia-isms. Mia-isms are words or turns of phrase that only Mia could concoct. They're good.

Joygasm

  [joi-gaz-uh m]

  noun
  1. an uncontrollable, often physical, outburst of sheer happiness
  2. an instance of experiencing this

  verb (used without object)
  3. to have a joygasm

  ex. When Boris proposed to Thelma-Ann, she had a total joygasm.

Semicolon (OK, this is a repurposing of an existing word but it counts)

  [sem-i-koh-luh n]

  new slang
  1. used in the exact same way as "word" is used in slang

  ex. "Yo, man, you aight?"
        "Semicolon."

New York Song State Of Mind ('state' not 'city')

I live in New York. I won't say where, but it's not The City. My wife and I grew up in the same town. By the by, did you know there's a whole big section of New York that's not Manhattan, Queens, The Bronx, Brooklyn or Staten Island? (No, I'm not talking about Long Island or some cow farm). I do notice quite a few songs about New York (City) that I can relate to, though.

In Disney's Oliver & Company, the movie begins with "Once Upon A Time In New York City" by Huey Lewis. When my wife and I lived in California, we used to substitute in the name of our current locale: Temple City.

"If it's always once upon a time in Temple City

Why does nightfall find ya feelin' so alone?

How could anyone stay starry-eyed

when it's rainin' cats & dogs outside

and the rain is sayin' 'Now you're on your own?'

Keep your dream alive.

Dreamin' is still how the strong survive.

Once upon a time in Temple City."

That song always gets me right in the feels. It has since I was little. I tried for years to get my wife to watch Oliver & Company with me. It helped that she loved Billy Joel but she never got much into the flick, except for that song. She would sing it with me. Now I'm the one on my own (random Disney trivia: my wife could sing "Reflection" from Mulan like a seraph, I'm talkin' tear-in-the-eye singing).

"I thank the lord there's people out there like you." That's from Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters by Elton John. That's about New York City, too. We loved that song. We were night owls, we relished in saying "good morning to the night." But now that she's gone, I'm so thankful for all the support I've gotten in the wake of the loss. I've told people that I'm afraid I may be judged, but the truth is that every single person has been the opposite of judgmental toward me (except her dad, he blames me for everything and can go fuck himself).

"I thank the lord for the people I have found." If you're reading this, that's you!

Although, once more, I'd like to reiterate that one item of business: New York is a city and a state, and there's lots of people that don't live in the city, you assumption-makers in the rest of the country. When we lived in California, and mentioned we were from New York, the next question was always "what borough?" No borough, muthafucka! When I say that, though, people seem to short-circuit, like a robot trying to process a logical paradox. Although, granted, by population, New York City makes the percentage of folks living out here in the medium-sized cities all but statistically insignificant. But nobody writes songs about Albany or Corning.

But "let's hear it for New York, New York, New York!" If you don't include the word 'city' in your song, I'm hijacking it for the rest of us! Take that, Jay-Z!